Quotes…. But Funny

• Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
• What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
• Not all man are fools, some stay bachelors.
• Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
• Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
• If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
• I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
• Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
• My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, ‘Well that taught me a lesson’.
• Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
• In Los Angeles they don’t throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
• My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
• Until I was thirteen I thought my name was ‘Shutup’.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
• The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
• I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
• As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.
• It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
• The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
• We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
• It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money!)
• An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
• You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
• Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
• Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.
• When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.
• You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
• I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
• Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
• They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.
• I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
• If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice?
• You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.
• A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
• Don’t think of death as an ending. Rather, think of it as a really effective way of reducing your expenses.
• For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.
• I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I’ll never know.
• Sure the Grand Canyon may be breathtaking but so is lung cancer.
• When all else fails. Follow instructions.
• Everyone loves a moose. Some just don’t know it.
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy teenagers?
• Buffet; A French word that means “get up and get it yourself.
• If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re a precipitate
• By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
• Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
• Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
• When your dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.
• I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
• Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.
• No matter how hard you try, you can’t teach physics to a dog.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
• I like nonsense, it awakens the brain cells.
• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things i cannot, and a great big bag of money.
• Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
• Never let a rainy day get you down, that’s what bills are for.
• I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
• My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.
• Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
• To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.
• If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
• There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
• Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from many, it’s research.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
• My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe “Go to hell.”
• There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.
• When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
• The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished.
• Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
• If the Pilgrims had shot a skunk instead of a turkey, Thanksgiving would have been quite different.
• Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.
• A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
• The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it’s their fault.
• I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
• In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
• Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
• The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it’s their fault.
• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
• I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
• Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
• Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
• Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
• Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
• Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
• I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
• The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
• When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t make you an artist.
• My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
• Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
• Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.