Humerus News

April 1, 2007 144 Comments

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The cease fire actually appears to be working! Dick Cheney hasn’t
shot anyone in months… that we know of. (Gene Spafford)

In more serious news, today President Bush said that the United
States is still under the threat of an attack and will continue to be
right up until election day. (Jay Leno)

Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 last week. It seems
like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her
hands and knees. They grow up so fast. (Les Pourciau)

President Bush toured several neighborhoods in New Orleans. It was
still mostly empty. They had Dick Cheney coming along to shoot any
looters. (Jay Leno)

The Las Vegas Marriage Bureau is shutting down its 24 hour service.
It realized that 24 hour service resulted in too many 24 hour
marriages. (Jim Barach)

CNN’s Kyra Phillips went to the rest room with her microphone on
Tuesday during President Bush’s speech. Viewers heard casual girl
talk as the commander-in-chief’s lips were moving. Everyone thought
that the president’s credit card had been stolen. (Argus Hamilton)

Chevron and Petronas oil companies have been kicked out of Chad for
failure to pay taxes. The Bush Administration is angry. Since when do
oil companies pay taxes? (Jim Barach)

Billionaire Warren Buffet got married on his 76th birthday; in a
related story, Anna Nicole Smith has been placed on suicide watch.
(Alex Kaseberg)

Investigators say Comair flight 5191 crashed Sunday in part because
the lone air traffic controller at the airport wasn’t watching the
jet. He was probably too busy checking everyone for shampoo in their
carry on bags. (Jake Novak)

PRESIDENT BUSH

NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him
about his poll numbers and President Bush said, “The key for me is
to keep expectations low.” I think you can accurately say, “Mission
Accomplished.” (Jay Leno)

In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all
citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation,
“to quiet down for just one minute” so he could have “a chance to
think.” “Every American has an inalienable right to free speech and
self-expression,” Bush said. “Nonetheless, I call upon the American
people to hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds. Just long enough for
me to get this all sorted out in my head.” (The Onion)

I don’t want to say President Bush’s approval rating is dropping, but
I understand there’s a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now
says, “Home of Cindy Sheehan.” (Jay Leno)

President Bush. You know where he is? He’s in New Orleans right now
to mark the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Now if we could
just get FEMA down there. (David Letterman)

I think President Bush gets confused. He said progress is being made
in New Orleans and he hopes one day New Orleans will be a democracy.
You know hurricanes, they hate freedom. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Scientists who gathered in Prague last week to strip Pluto of its
planet status said today that they were “baffled” that Pluto had been
demoted but that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld still clung to
his position of power. “It seems counterintuitive to me that we
should say Pluto is no longer a planet, yet Donald Rumsfeld is still
Secretary of Defense,” Dr. Kyosuke said. “After all, Pluto has done
no harm.” Scientists studying Secretary Rumsfeld have for some time
believed that he is not worthy of the Secretary of Defense
designation and should be demoted to some lesser position, such as
Postmaster General. (Andy Borowitz)

National Hurricane Center Chief Max Mayfield is retiring in January.
He says he was shocked to learn that 60% of the people living along
the Gulf and Atlantic coastlines have no hurricane plan. Then again,
neither does FEMA. (Jim Barach)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton was caught by cameras sleeping at the Mets-Cardinals
game in New York Tuesday. The timing was terrible for his wife’s
campaign. Republicans always claimed he had slept with fifty
thousand (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton addressed a Hurricane Katrina memorial at a black
church in New York Sunday. She had the crowd mesmerized. It was a
stroke of sheer genius for her advisors to design a hairstyle which
looked exactly like JonBenet Ramsey’s. (Argus Hamilton)

Hey, Happy Birthday President Clinton. He turned 60 years old on
Saturday. You know, President Clinton’s at that age now when he
stains the carpet, he’s not even having fun. … Actually, I got an
invitation to the party. You see, it says you are cordially invited
to the party. It runs from 8:00 to whenever Hillary shows up. (Jay Leno)

Senator Joe Biden of Delaware said Sunday he’s sure he can compete
effectively in the Southern primaries. He then reminded viewers that
Delaware was a slave state. Those days are long gone, ever since
illegal immigration undercut the prices. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Gore spoke at the Edinburgh Television Festival in Scotland on
Sunday. He said worldwide control of television by a few powerful men
is a dangerous threat. At least that’s what it sounded like by the
time the word-of-mouth got here. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

The Congressional Budget office says the recently passed immigration
bill will cost the government $127 billion over the next ten years.
And that’s just to keep the lawn mowed at the White House. (Jim Barach)

THE STATES

New Hampshire is debating the state’s slogan, “Live Free or Die.”
Some people want to make it more contemporary. The suggested change
is “Live free, then move to Florida right before you die.” (Jim Barach)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reached agreements with three tribal
casinos in California Tuesday for a massive expansion of slot
machines. They are popular. However, if you get three lemons in a row
you have to get elected governor to stay famous. (Argus Hamilton)

The California state assembly has voted to impose a limit on all
greenhouse gas emissions in the state. That’ll show those terrorists
we mean business! (Jake Novak)

LOCAL NEWS

The Las Vegas Marriage Bureau cited Britney Spears’ 55 hour marriage
as a reason to do away with round the clock weddings. Of course, that
was still a better decision than marrying Kevin Federline. (Jim Barach)

CRIME

In an attempt to explain a mystery that has baffled millions for the
past two weeks, Boulder Counter District Attorney Mary Lacy pleaded
insanity today for her decision to arrest John Mark Karr for the
murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. Since the arrest of
Mr. Karr two weeks ago, millions of Americans have been mystified as
to how anyone with a background in law enforcement could have
arrested someone for the Ramsey murder without any evidence that he
had ever set foot in Boulder. But in a press conference in Boulder
today, Ms. Lacy hoped that her insanity plea would put the mystery to
rest once and for all, telling reporters, “I was out of my mind when
I arrested John Mark Karr.” (Andy Borowitz)

After not solving the 1996 JonBenet Ramsey case, the Boulder police
fly a suspect, John Mark Karr, first class from Thailand only to find
he is not a DNA match so they let him go. If the Boulder police were
any more inept they’d be in the C.I.A. (Alex Kaseberg)

Experts say John Mark Karr boasted about killing JonBenet Ramsey to
fulfill a sick fantasy that he really knew her. OK, that explains
Karr, but what’s CNN’s excuse? (Jake Novak)

The entire case against John Mark Karr was completely bogus. It was
based on a bunch of ridiculous claims he just made up without any
basis and facts. The good news? Today, the White House offered him a
job. (Jay Leno)

Boulder prosecutors dropped charges against John Mark Karr Monday in
the JonBenet case. His DNA didn’t match and he was in Alabama at the
time of the murder. O.J. Simpson called the Larry King Show to
complain that white guys get all the alibis. (Argus Hamilton)

How many Boulder prosecutors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two. But they’re usually holding the wrong one. (Alan Ray)

AIRPORT SECURITY

Mardin Azad Amin, a 29 year old travelling with his mother from O
Hara Airport in Chicago to Turkey was questioned by security about an
object in his carry-on luggage. Flustered, he said it was a bomb and
was arrested. It turns out it was a penis pump and he was too
embarrassed to admit it in front of his mother. He faces a possible 3
years in jail for lying to airport security.

A fellow en route with his mom
Lost all of his cool and aplomb.
His quick-thinking, tested,
Failed him, he’s arrested.
Deception, this proved, was da bomb.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

IRAQ

British troops turned over a base south of Baghdad to the Iraqis on
Thursday, then looters stole everything including the doors and
windows. It won’t always be like this. One day their congressmen will
just vote themselves a pay raise like ours do. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAN

Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a
televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did
challenge the Iranian president to a game of “Hungry Hungry
Hippos.” (Conan O’Brien)

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President George
W. Bush to a live television debate. The winner will be the first
person who can correctly pronounce the word “nuclear” in English. The
White House called Iran’s offer to debate Bush a “diversion” from
international concerns over Iran’s nuclear program. Iran calls the
White House’s refusal to debate a diversion from international
concerns over the fact that New Orleans is still in ruins. (Jake Novak)

Iran showed off missiles during war games in the Persian Gulf Sunday.
They were made in North Korea. Last month’s testing shows if these
missiles are ever launched from inside Iran, they are going to save
Israel a lot of round-trip flights. (Argus Hamilton)

JAPAN

There is a video clip circulating e-mails of a Japanese game show
where the male contestants attempt a tongue-twister and, if they
fail, they get hit by a spring-loaded paddle in the groin. The good
news is that we may have found the way to teach President Bush how to
pronounce Nuclear. (Alex Kaseberg)

NORTH KOREA

The Pentagon sent the USS Shiloh into the port of Yokosuka Tuesday to
prevent an irrational attack by North Korea on Japan. Anything could
happen. The leader of North Korea is so insane he is this close to
losing his office on the Paramount lot. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA

China is outlawing the practice of stripteasing at funerals.
Apparently Anna Nicole Smith is just going to have to meet her next
husband here in the States. (Jim Barach)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Germany has offered to send troops to the Lebanon border. I bet
Israel’s breathing a sigh of relief there. Nothing makes Jewish
people feel safer and more secure than the German Army marching on
their border. (Jay Leno)

How come Israel can fight a war in a month, but we can’t? The
Lebanese are returning home now to their devastated homes in Southern
Lebanon. They say they had no idea of the scope of destruction. And
the reason they don’t have any idea? Because every time they turned
on CNN, they were talking about JonBenet. (Bill Maher)

This is finally a happy story in the Middle East. In the Gaza strip,
Palestinian militants released those two Fox News journalists. They
were released unharmed. The Palestinians said they just couldn’t take
any more of the pro-Bush stories. (Jay Leno)

FRANCE

The formation of the new international peacekeeping force in southern
Lebanon was dealt a setback when the French government only committed
to sending 400 troops instead of the thousands of troops they
originally agreed to send. Actually, it’s not their fault. It turns
out the French only has 400 troops that can walk forward. (Jay Leno)

INTERNATIONAL

The U.S. says foreign and local troops must find a way to plug holes
in the Afghan-Pakistani border. Then after they do that, they need to
show us how. (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

The Oil Price Information Service predicted on Tuesday that the price
of gasoline in the United States will fall to two dollars per gallon
by November. Motorists were incredibly relieved to hear it. They
thought the election would never get here. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE

On the astronomers who voted Pluto out of the solar system: “If Pluto
loses, it will run as an independent. (David Letterman)

Do we have folks here who are fans of the solar system? You know
Pluto? Adios, no longer a planet. They bounced Pluto. We have eight
now — used to have nine. Pluto is gone. I guess late last night
packed up everything and moved out. Through a spokesman, it said it’s
now going to spend more time with its family. (David Letterman)

Pluto was stripped of its status as a planet by the International
Astronomers Union on Thursday. They say it’s too small and wobbles
strangely and travels in unpredictable orbits. Tom Cruise was just
downgraded from star for the same reasons. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA cancelled the launch of the space shuttle Atlantis after two of
the astronauts attempted to carry liquids on board. (Andy Borowitz)

HEALTH

According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of
the fattest states in America are in the lower third of the country.
In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass. (Conan O’Brien)

THE WEATHER

There’s a hurricane watch for Tropical Storm Ernesto. Let me tell you
something, these hurricanes are getting smart. They know a Hispanic
hurricane has a better chance of getting into the country. (Jay Leno)

Tropical Storm Ernesto could become a Category 1 hurricane when it
makes landfall. Just as a precaution, President Bush is going on
vacation. (Jake Novak)

A hurricane watch has been lifted for all of Florida after
meteorologists determined that Tropical Storm Ernesto’s DNA was not a
match for the samples found at the JohnBenet crime scene. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

College football begins Saturday. How do you stop an Auburn Tiger
from advancing?
Hand him a textbook. (Alan Ray)

Running back Kevan Barlow compared San Francisco 49ers coach Mike
Nolan to Adolf Hitler after Barlow was traded to the New York Jets.
He has a point: Going to the Jets is the NFL equivalent of being sent
to the Russian Front. (Alex Kaseberg)

The college football season begins. When that gun goes off at a USC
Trojan game, it can only mean one thing. The police have fired a
warning shot. (Alan Ray)

Tiger Woods won the World Golf Championship in overtime Sunday at
Firestone. They had to play sudden death during a thunderstorm with
metal sticks in their hands. It is the PGA’s goal to have at least as
much suspense as the space shuttle program. (Argus Hamilton)

Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens agreed to practice on Tuesday. He’s
nursed a sore left hamstring ever since he got a ten million dollar
signing bonus. They never should have given it to him in cash and let
him put it in his left hip pocket. (Argus Hamilton)

The Ryder Cup golf team flew to Ireland for early practice Monday.
They love golf there. Ireland has a statue of Bill Clinton swinging a
golf club in the Limerick town square, not for the golf he promoted
but for the limericks he inspired. (Argus Hamilton)

St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols was administered tests given to Babe
Ruth 85 years ago. The evaluation measured bat speed, finger tapping
and visual response. In the tiebreaker, Pujols finished second by
thirty two hot dogs. (Jim Barach)

Tom Cruise cut a deal Monday to be financed by Washington Redskins
owner Dan Snyder. He had better shut up about drugs in the NFL. There
have been years when the Chicago Bears looked so bad, the vendors at
Soldier Field sold Prozac by the cup. (Argus Hamilton)

Venus Williams has pulled out of the U.S. Open. Tough week for the
Solar System. First Pluto gets the boot, then Venus withdraws. (Jim
Barach)

New Mexico State’s football coach Hal Mumme was sued by three players
Monday who say they were kicked off the team for their Muslim
beliefs. They did behave suspiciously. Every time the quarterback
called for the bomb they drove up in a car. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

CBS announced that this season of ‘Survivor,’ the teams will be
divided by race. CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich.
(Conan O’Brien)

The Emmy Awards aired Sunday from the Shrine Auditorium in Hollywood.
Everyone there was talking about the fall of Mel Gibson and Tom
Cruise. The sincere concern for their careers qualified everybody in
the auditorium for a Best Actor nomination. (Argus Hamilton)

Emmy Nielsens were down 14% from last year. They may have to go back
to honoring shows that are still on. (Bob Miller)

Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, Kate Jackson and Joan Collins pay
tribute to Aaron Spelling at the Emmys, while Tori and Candy Spelling
agreed to abide by the cease fire resolution passed by the UN. (Bob
Miller)

Survivor’s producers said Thursday the show will divide teams by race
this year. It will be blacks against whites against Asians against
Hispanics. The Asian team will be provided defensive weapons in case
the other teams didn’t get into a good school. (Argus Hamilton)

The Emmy Awards were last night. It was a very tough night for me. I
will admit I got a little carried away with the acceptance speech and
started going on and on. But they didn’t have to kick me out of
Hooters. (David Letterman)

The Emmy Awards were last night. The security was unbelievable. It
was tighter than Joan Collins face. (David Letterman)

The FCC fined CBS $3.6 million over an orgy scene in “Without a
Trace.” Producers didn’t follow guidelines for airing such material.
The show should have been labeled “Fox.” (Alan Ray)

THE MEDIA

President Bush returned to Washington Sunday and found out that two
Fox News journalists had been freed by their Palestinian captors. He
couldn’t have been happier. This close to the November elections he
needs every cheerleader in uniform. (Argus Hamilton)

I’ve got some good news. Over the weekend two Fox News journalists,
who had been kidnapped in the Middle East, were released. Afterwards,
the Fox News journalists said it was the worst experience since being
trapped at the Christmas party with Geraldo. (Conan O’Brien)

Two American FOX Journalists kidnapped by Hamas militants have been
released. On FOX News Steve Centanni was interviewed. “First off, I
want to say that we had a great time. Bush’s foreign policy here in
the Middle East has really resonated with the common man. Whatever
undisclosed location we were shipped to the children cheered when
they saw us. Something about ‘being heads of state’ or for short, ‘be
head.’ Anyway, I report seeing a happy people who believe in Bush’s
Roadmap to Peace.” Cameraman Olaf Wiig said, “Now that I’m free, I
know who’s responsible for getting us kidnapped in the first place. I
blame the Liberal Media who never show how successful Bush’s War on
Terror is! The major networks choose to highlight only the bad side
of this war. Stop covering us! Pretend we don’t exist! If we would
have been killed you shouldn’t report the negative, but report
instead on the boom to Palestinian mortuary economy.” (Rick Sabian)

CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing
their original coverage of that day. Let’s just hope that President
Bush doesn’t tune in and go, “Oh my God, they’ve done it
again!.” (Bill Maher)

President Bush is on television giving a speech and Kyra Phillips, an
anchorwoman from CNN, gets up to go to the bathroom. She’s wearing a
microphone. She leaves the microphone on. Everyone was outraged.
What’s the big deal? She gets up to go the bathroom in the middle of
a George W. Bush speech — who hasn’t done that? (David Letterman)

Walter Cronkite was scheduled to appear on the CBS Evening News on
Katie Couric’s first night as anchor. His endorsement matters. Walter
Cronkite was once considered the most trusted man in America, a
position held today by a Boulder crime scene investigator. (Argus
Hamilton)

Incoming CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric is under scrutiny after
a network promotional magazine used digital airbrushing to trim 20
pounds off her frame. Apparently the touch-ups were done by the same
people who prepared all of Dan Rather’s memos. It’s an embarrassing
incident, but at least this will help Couric handle less important
issues like terrorism and the economy when she starts anchoring next
week. (Jake Novak)

TOM CRUISE

Tom Cruise has found a new film deal. Thank God! I was so worried
he’d wind up driving a cab. (David Letterman)

Tom Cruise cut a deal with Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder
Monday to finance his movie production company. It sent a scary
message to taxpayers. You can creep out everybody in Hollywood and
Washington will never cut off your funding. (Argus Hamilton)

Redskins owner Daniel Snyder picks up Tom Cruise after Paramount’s
rebuff. Tom gets a guarantee of $10 million a year and Daniel has to
change the name of his team to the “Red Scientologists.” (Bob Miller)

In the latest ominous sign for the film career of actor Tom Cruise, a
large video piracy ring based in Beijing said today that they will no
longer sell illegal copies of the star’s films, calling Mr. Cruise’s
recent behavior “unacceptable.” (Andy Borowitz)

CELEBRITIES

At the store where Britney Spears is registered for her baby shower,
Britney has listed many pink and frilly gifts. So either Britney is
having a girl or a very, very gay boy. (Alex Kaseberg)

Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline will appear on “CSI,” hoping
to add acting to the list of things he cannot do. (Andy Borowitz)

Donald Trump has fired his ‘Apprentice’ sidekick Carolyn Kepcher.
Inside sources are saying that Carolyn was fired because she let fame
get to her head and got in the way of her doing her regular duties.
Trump’s daughter Ivanka is rumored to be first in line to replace
Carolyn.

Sir Elton John announced plans to record a rap album, as was
originally reported in the Book of Revelation. (Andy Borowitz)

According to one of Osama Bin Laden’s former girlfriends, Bin Laden
had a crush on Whitney Houston. He had the hots for Whitney. Who
would’ve thought we would ever see the day when Bobby Brown was the
good guy in her life?!

Rock star Christina Aguilera says that since becoming a wife, she’s
removed twelve of her body piercings. The bad news, now when she goes
out on a windy day, she whistles.

You know what is really ironic about this? Mel Gibson may be the
first guy in history to be in more trouble for talking while drunk
then driving while drunk. (Jay Leno)

Barbara Walters of The View said she will not see anymore of Mel
Gibson’s movies. Mel responded by saying, “There goes one $3.00
senior discount matinee ticket.” (Conan O’Brien)

Warren Buffett gave away more billions to the Gates Foundation
Thursday. It’s part of his plan to give away his entire fortune so
his kids can’t inherit it. Peter Falk is so tired of playing Columbo
but these scripts simply write themselves. (Argus Hamilton)

Peter Coors pleaded Friday to a reduced charge of driving while
impaired, but not under the influence. It’s simple logic. If he was
drinking Coors he might have been bloated from all the water but he
couldn’t have been under the influence of alcohol. (Argus Hamilton)

There was a huge brush fire at the Neverland Ranch. The last time
there was a fire on the Neverland Ranch they suspected it was started
when Michael Jackson rubbed two Boy Scouts together. (Alex Kaseberg)

RELIGION

On Rep. Katherine Harris’ telling a religious newspaper in Florida
the “separation of church and state in America is a lie”: “She ought
to know. When she let George W. Bush win Florida in 2000, she made a
deal with the devil. (Jake Novak)

In the largest scientific test of its kind, scientists found that
prayer brought no benefit to hospital patients. And the hospitals
found that prayer brought no benefit to the people who didn’t pay
their bills. (JakeNovak)

HURRICANE KATRINA ANNIVERSARY

Today, of course, the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina
hitting New Orleans. FEMA officials said it seems like just yesterday
when they first arrived in New Orleans. And then they realized, “Oh,
it was just yesterday.” (Jay Leno)

Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina –
the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House’s
response to Katrina can best be filed under job comma “heckuva.” (Jon
Stewart)

This week is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It’s
amazing how time flies. It seems like just yesterday FEMA was
ignoring the hurricane victims. (Jay Leno)

Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only
that, it’s the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out
about it. (Conan O’Brien)

The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was
marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different
than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week
and a half of silence. (Jay Leno)

HISTORY

George Washington’s liquor supply list for his New York headquarters
went on display in Chicago Friday. He kept a keg of brandy, cases of
claret and fortified wine, a case of cordials and two cheeses. He
lived by the principle that a man’s got to eat. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS

Toyota has developed a rear end crash detection system featuring
radar in the rear bumper to let the driver know when a collision is
likely. Didn’t that used to be called the rear view mirror? (Jim Barach)

POVERTY

A study says the Labor Department has undercounted the number of poor
and uninsured Americans. Apparently the survey didn’t get handed out
to Walmart employees. (Jim Barach)

LABOR

On a federal judge’s blocking Northwest Airlines flight attendants
from going on strike: “Without flight attendants, who would serve the
pilots their drinks? (Jim Barach)

Fun, Humor